I've had a really hard time admitting this to many, and as I'm writing, still only a select handful of people know about it. I've struggled with my weight for my entire life, but even more so over the last 10 years or so. I like to think it's because I fell in love and married a wonderful man who loves me for who I am, regardless of my weight. And because of that love and the extraordinary bond that we share, I lost track of eating. Eating was something we did together. As a new young, new couple, we would spend entire weekends in bed, watching movies and TV, eating junk food, and having sex. Those were the days. Not caring about anything. No real responsibilities besides full time jobs. No car payments. No mortgage payments. Hell, no rent payments.
Back on track. I certainly do not blame my wonderful husband for my weight problem. He has a very high metabolism and can eat 10 times as much as me and feel like a hummingbird, while I feel like a beached whale, awaiting death. My "secret" that only that previously mentioned select few know about is this: I am having a sleeve gastrectomy operation. In 24 days, to be exact. I'm so emotional about it in many ways, that I needed to write down what I was feeling. Because my emotions (and anxiety) are at an all-time high, I have a hard time verbalizing my feelings about it. Tears start coming, and I just did my makeup.
The Happiness Factor
I know two people personally who have had this procedure, and have had great success. Both of them look and feel so great, and I'm so proud of both of them. With the proper mindset and diligence, I know I will have great results as well. I'm excited for this big step in my life, and hope that it changes me for the better, physically and mentally.
I'm excited to WANT to do things again, and I feel that this procedure will help me accomplish this.. I love being at home, I do. I love my house and my husband and my dogs. I also like the outside world, and the fun things it has to offer. Over the last few months, I put back on a little weight, and now I NEVER want to leave the house. I love my job, but I feel like I leave my sense of purpose there every night when I go home. I can't wait to not feel that way! I want to love and enjoy life! I really want to go back to Cedar Point! The last time Ryan and I went was about 10 years ago, and I couldn't fit on Top Thrill Dragster, and I wanted to climb to the top and jump off.
The Embarrassment Factor
While I think (know?) that this is ridiculous, there is a sort of embarrassment from telling people about this. How did I get like this? How did I let it get so bad, that I felt that a surgical procedure was the only way out? On one hand, people can think whatever they want about me. The bottom line is that I am bettering myself by taking this monumental step. It's the same way I feel about being embarrassed at the gym, just on a bigger scale. Har-dee-har #puns At the same time, I feel like I will be judged for having this done.
The Anxiety Factor
I have anxiety about my health on the reg anyway. I frequently assume that I'm having a heart attack, blood clot in my legs that are undoubtedly travelling at an alarming rate directly to my lungs. This is often in stressful situations, like an extremely busy day at work, or my period. Or when some fucker can't drive, and I've hit 100 miles an hour while screaming and flipping the bird. I feel that this is tied into my weight, so I'm interested to see how my anxiety is in a year or two. But pre-operatively, I'm having some anxiety about the procedure itself. It is large and I'll spend a couple of days in the hospital. It's a relatively new procedure (10-15 years or so), so there's not a lot of long term data regarding any long term consequences. Part of me is scared that (of course) I'll have some type of cardiac arrest during surgery and become a vegetable or die on the table. My doctor has never had this happen, but it could! ::ugh...xanax please::
The Procedure
Basically, they cut out a large portion of your stomach and leave a pouch about the size of a banana. This obviously limits the amount one can intake at a time, but it also partially eliminates a hormone secreted by your stomach that triggers cravings. The U.S. Library of Medicine has a great description of it all here. This Thursday, 8/27/15, I go for my pre-op classes. I will learn in greater detail about the procedure, learn about the diet and lifestyle changes necessary to be successful, and meet with a nurse and dietitian to go over everything I'll need to do pre- and post-operatively.
Preparation
I'll find out more on Thursday, but I did buy a new food scale from Amazon that will arrive on Tuesday, as well as some blender bottles for my protein shakes. I will be mapping out a route in my neighborhood that is one mile. The two people that I know who had this procedure said that walking is very important, and that I should get into a daily routine even now. I will be off work for one month after surgery, so I will be doing this at least once a day, hopefully more!
I've only told a few people that I work with about what's going on. My two bosses, of course, as they needed to approve my time off, and two girls that I work closely with on a daily basis who I trust. The rest of my coworkers think I'm going on a two week vacation. My bosses will tell them what's actually happening once I'm gone. I did not want to discuss this with everyone at work (see The Embarrassment Factor above). I don't want to talk about it every day with people that have no business knowing something so major. We can discuss it when I come back, but until then, I'll be having a lovely vacation. My best friend knows of course, and my parents and sister. Everyone is happy for me and supportive except my dad. He is actively trying to talk me out of it. I know he cares, but I feel like I've reached the point where I can't get to a healthy weight without this.
I plan on updating this frequently up until surgery and afterwards to track my progress. I'm so excited to see where this leads. <3
